i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
