Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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