her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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