what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
