Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
