if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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