So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
