I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We need a shit load of segways right now
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
