By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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