Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
