im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
