rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
