Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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