remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
