His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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