I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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