my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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