my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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