i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
