Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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