I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
