i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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