Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
