Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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