she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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