Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
