guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
