I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
