They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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