it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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