Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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