I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
two words: eviction party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
