Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
