he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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