I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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