Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
