bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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