Just cropdusted the office
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
