my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
