The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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