I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
