Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
