Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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