Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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