im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
my liver is dry heaving
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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