3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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