i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
