I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
