Girls should come with a carfax report
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
