How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
