I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
